Justice for R and F

My babies.

I write this all for you, for you to have when I am gone. I don’t know how much longer I can endure being without you. I spend every day waiting to die. I hear your cries in my head as they took you away from me. It’s a haunting song that is grinding my bones into dust. I don’t know how much more I can take, so I am going to chronicle this for you and pray it helps.

I am going to try to put everything I can into here. Anything I can think of for you, that will help you or answer questions for you as you get older. The answer to the first question is simple, really.

Yes, YES. You are loved. More than anything in the known universe, you are loved. No one can ever dispute that. All of the corrupt, evil people who had a hand in destroying the four of us can never ever dispute that. Our actions, your family, friends, every single person who was in your life knew that. I have thousands of photos, hundreds of videos to show that yes, you are loved. You spent every single day being loved, spoiled, cared for. Only the best was ever given to you. Every single thing I didn’t have as a child, I spent my entire life building up to give to you. We spent every single day with you as the focus, working always ever harder to make sure the world was a much softer place for you than it was for us.

The second question: No, no one, NO ONE, that they say hurt you, ever actually hurt you intentionally. They failed to prove it, and if it had been in any sort of court that was not corrupted and insanely out of touch with unchecked power and inflated egos, insane confirmation bias and negativity, you would’ve been home with us by now. They are treating you for trauma that didn’t exist. I am sure, being as young as you are, they made it very real to you. I want it to be clear that you were never abused a day in your life. I am so sorry they made you believe you were. You were the most happy, smart, content kid. Fearless, self confident, ridiculously intelligent, Ro. An amazing, empathetic, selfless, sweet baby. (I’m sorry that I didn’t get enough time to find that about you, F. They ripped you from me so, so soon.) I bet you are the same though, baby. You have your brother and he has the things we taught him. I hope. I hope he still does.

I am so sorry that you are having a rough time. I hear bits and pieces, whatever they let slip, and I know you are hurting. I fought for a YEAR+ to try to get you help and they refused. You’ve been isolated from your family, friends, everyone and I know what that does to a kiddo. I can only imagine the damage. It was intentional on M and the state’s part. You were a bargaining chip and not a human to them. That was proven endlessly, over and over again, that your wellbeing was not the focus. I can only pray that as you get older, it gets easier. That you start questioning and start healing from the damage they’ve done to you, to both of you. I pray for it every day.

If I am still around when you are old enough, find me. I will try to leave this up as long as I can. I will suffer through every day that I have the strength to, for you. But if I am gone, please don’t hate me for it. Living through what I’ve been through, there is not much of me left. Every waking second I am plagued with grief and drowning in loss. Knowing you are somewhere in danger, with a predator makes it about a hundred times worse, my loves. When you were with Ms. M, at least you were safe. I was able to even function because I knew you were safe. I don’t have that luxury anymore and it is killing me.

When you look for me, if I am still here, I will give this to you: I’ve compiled all of your life, in pictures, videos, documents, testimony, the names and details of all the people in your life who loved you, into a huge, huge file. I am giving backups of it to a few people I trust, along with your information, names, birthday, anything to help get it to you if I am not the one to be able to do it. I hope it will be me. But.. It might not.

It’s hard to even format what is inside of my heart into a simple statement. You are suffering, and so are we. Watching you not get what you need, being used as a pawn, being disregarded, coaching suffering and pain into you, not having anyone around who loves you as much as we do is… really rough. I hurt for you. I ache knowing you are not where you really belong. But I also hurt, and ache for what we used to be as well. I cannot remember what it was actually like for my biggest worry to just be paying bills. Getting you to school on time. I yearn for that era. The one where my day was spent giving kisses and loving you. I had almost 5 amazing years of my life and that was all because of you. for 5 years, my life was roses. I grieve that loss. It is the hardest thing to know you are in danger, to know you are not with the people who love you, but its also incredibly hard to know that we have lost the spark that gave our lives meaning. I honestly don’t know how I am still here. And your daddy, well I think he died inside a long time ago. He has been slowly dying of a broken heart the second this started. Watching the person you love slowly die an agonizing death is so very hard.

I hear your little voice inside my head from the very last time I saw you.

“I just wanna go home.”

“Can you come home with me? I dont wanna leave you.”

“Why do you have to go?”

Kiddo, I’d burn down this world to not have to.

But now I am burning.

I love you. Both of you. And no one can ever say that’s untrue.

I love you.