Justice for R and F

My babies.
You don’t know it yet, but the world you live in is a tumultuous and sometimes scary place.
I hope for as long as possible that you don’t see it and are not aware of it. Every ounce of childhood, I hope, you drink in and enjoy.
The world is a mess right now and our rights are being taken away one by one. I especially worry for you, Freya. Women are marginalized, mistreated, and are having a rough go of it right now.
I named you Freya because it is an incredibly strong and resilient name. I hoped that when I named you that it would carry a note of that resilience and strength with you throughout your life, a constant reminder of how amazing and tough you are. Just remember that your body is yours and your voice is yours. No one else’s.

Rowan, you’re getting old enough to kind of see the world now. You’re gonna meet people who don’t like you, classmates who are mean to you, adults who don’t put much stock into your words because you are young. Always remember that good people exist and seek them out.
I’d love to say it gets easier as an adult but sweet boy, I don’t really know that it does. Just remember that the people who shout the loudest aren’t necessarily the people who are right.
I wish I could teach you both about the world and give you the lessons that were so hard learned by myself, on how to be self reliant and how to trust yourself. You are your best friend. Your inner voice is the most important. No one around you is more important to you than yourself.
Your body and mind are yours and being able to trust yourself and have confidence in yourself is becoming a rare trait these days and I firmly believe you are strong enough to figure it out on your own eventually, if I cannot be around to help. But I really wish I was.
That being said, alongside not trusting everything you hear, it’s important to also be able to take criticism and to use people’s input to better yourself and be a better person. But you have to choose what’s healthy in that regard.
Everyone around you is living a life just like you.
They have wants and needs and opinions, like and dislikes. Be kind always as a first resort because you just don’t know what they are going through. It’ll be more important as you get older.
You’re so little now and already so much stress and sadness. I hate it for you, truly. I spent every single day of your life making sure you didn’t ever have to live that way. I did and I didn’t want that for you.
I no longer had a say once they ripped you from me. I tried and fought and told anyone who would listen that you would need help and support. They did the opposite. I am so sorry for that. I tried for 19 months to beg and plead and ask them to help you but you were never the point of this. They point was torturing people. An ego trip, you were not humans to them. Only bargaining chips. They proved that over and over.

You’re gonna meet people like that in your life. At the first sign of someone not respecting you, using you as a tool to get what they want, manipulating you, leave.
Your most important resource is your time. Give it to people who deserve it. Fight injustices you believe in and causes you believe in, but also take care of yourself. My goal was to help you with that for the rest of my life, to be there for you and support you and show you what right and wrong was. I know where you are currently, you’ll learn the opposite. That’s also been proven. It kills me every minute of every day. I just have to hope as you get older you question things and you find an inner part of yourself to trust more than anything else.
It’s a tough world and it’s getting tougher by the day. I can only pray you develop your resilience and keep your optimism.
I never used to pray until this started but now I pray every day. Mostly for you, but I also pray that the inhuman, evil people who ripped your life to shreds and killed me and your daddys hearts that they eventually change, that they see what they did. I know the chances are slim but I will keep praying until I am gone.
As for praying for you, I just pray you get through the day. I don’t know where you are and no one will even tell me if you’re okay. When I get little bits of information it’s always something bad. I know you’re not getting your medicine, proper medical attention, I know your diet is a mess and you are being fed a horrible, untruthful reality. But I will keep praying every day that you maybe don’t notice. That you are at least, okay. Okay is all I can hope for, my sweet babies.
I am not okay. But I wish and pray that you are.
I send you every single bit of my waning strength and my fading hope. You get it all.
At this point it’s all I have left, babies. And you get it all.

Keep being strong. No matter what, you are loved.